When Hope and Heartbreak Coexist: The Emotional Toll of Infertility

Insights by Cynthia Vejar

Infertility can be one of the most profound emotional journeys a person will ever face. Beyond the medical procedures, the tests, and the waiting, lies a complex landscape of hope, loss, and identity that can touch nearly every corner of life.

According to Cynthia Vejar, Director and Associate Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College, infertility is far more than a medical condition — it’s a deeply human experience that challenges one’s sense of control, belonging, and self-understanding. “Many people don’t fully understand the profound impact that infertility can have on a person’s life,” she says. “Infertility is grief, which comes with many significant losses, including the loss of a long-held dream, a sense of control, and even one’s identity.”

Because infertility is often invisible, it can feel isolating in a culture that equates parenthood with fulfillment. Social gatherings, casual comments, and social media feeds full of pregnancy announcements can become emotional minefields. Yet infertility is not a one-note story of despair. “Hope, grief, and resilience can coexist, even within the same moment,” Vejar explains. “Each chapter of this journey is different, and the beginning, middle, and end may come with very different emotions and perspectives.”

For those walking this path, emotional support is often the most meaningful gift others can give — but also the hardest for friends and family to get right. “We live in a society that tends to respond to pain with suggestions and advice,” says Vejar. “But this approach can be counterproductive when it comes to infertility.” Instead of offering solutions or reassurances, she encourages loved ones to listen and create space for emotions without trying to fix them. Well-intentioned phrases like “Just relax and it’ll happen” or “Everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally deepen someone’s sense of isolation.

Simple, compassionate gestures often mean the most — acknowledging pain without judgment or pressure. “Recognizing how painful the situation is, without trying to fix it, can go a long way,” Vejar notes. “Saying, ‘I’m here to talk anytime you need me,’ while also letting them know they don’t have to talk unless they want to, gives them a sense of agency and an open door.”

The infertility journey can stretch over months or years, with emotions that shift over time. Testing can bring anxiety and fear of the unknown; diagnosis may trigger shock or anger. Treatment cycles often alternate between hope and heartbreak, while loss can bring profound grief. For some, the decision to stop treatment marks another chapter — one of acceptance and redefined identity. Couples may cope differently, sometimes out of sync with each other.

To maintain emotional resilience, Vejar recommends creating routines not tied to treatment outcomes — small acts that restore a sense of control and connection. Journaling, exercise, or creative outlets can help, as can setting boundaries around triggering situations or conversations. “Practicing mindfulness can shift people from thinking about uncertain futures and connect them to the present moment,” she says. “And identifying safe people to talk to — and leaning into those connections — can make an enormous difference.”

Social media can both help and hurt. Online infertility communities can offer solidarity, but personal feeds filled with baby announcements or milestones may deepen grief. Vejar suggests curating digital spaces with care, choosing what supports healing rather than amplifying pain.

Ultimately, infertility is both a medical condition and an existential crisis — one that can alter how people see themselves and their place in the world. “It can impact a person’s sense of self, their identity, and their sense of belongingness,” Vejar explains. “Greater public awareness and empathy are necessary, and can help transform infertility from a silent struggle into an experience that offers compassion, support, and understanding.”

While there may be no easy path through infertility, there can be meaning in the process — in the strength that comes from facing uncertainty, the tenderness that grows from shared vulnerability, and the empathy that emerges when people choose to show up for one another without needing to have the right words.